


Winter song

by Skrigget



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Cancer, M/M, Romance, Song fic, i don't know how to tag this so, sick!Eren
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-20
Updated: 2014-12-20
Packaged: 2018-03-02 11:29:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2810546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skrigget/pseuds/Skrigget
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Sing a song for me,” Eren asks once he finally wakes up.</p><p>Levi furrows his eyebrows and eyes his husband suspiciously. “Do you have a death wish?”</p><p>“Please?” Eren begs. </p><p>Levi can’t say no.</p><p>Eren could ask for the stars and Levi would go through fire and cross oceans to pick every single one from the night sky.</p><p>“This is my winter song to you…”</p><p> </p><p>ALSO: this fic has been translated into Vietnamese by the lovely Moon Flower and can be found here: https://www.facebook.com/LeviErenJager/posts/402210849943068</p>
            </blockquote>





	Winter song

**Author's Note:**

> As it says in the summary this fic has been translated (https://www.facebook.com/LeviErenJager/posts/402210849943068) and I am forever grateful!

 

 

_"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her"_

\- Mary Stuart 

\-- 

This is my winter song to you

The storm is coming soon

It rolls in from the sea

\--

Levi looks down at the pale boy lying on the hospital bed and he tilts his head slightly, letting his eyes dance over the boy’s body, all the way from his toes to his eyes. He wishes they were open so he could see them; they are the most beautiful thing Levi has ever seen – their color, sometimes it’s so mesmerizing he doubts it’s even real.

Outside he hears the storm rage and howl like a monster but inside the hospital Levi feels oddly safe. He knows it has nothing to do with the fact that the people around him literally are trained to save lives. It is solely because inside the hospital lies Eren and that is all Levi will ever need.

He takes his eyes off him for a second to look out of the window. The sun went down hours ago but it’s not even eight o’clock. The world outside is dark, impossibly and different. Sometimes Levi doesn’t feel like a part of it – sometimes he isn’t sure the world works the same way it did just a few months ago, something inside of him tells him the world must have changed, how is anything else possible?

He sighs, the only audible sound in the room, and reaches out to take Eren’s hand. It is, like everything else on the boy, too warm but Levi loves it. It is a constant reminder that Eren is still real and very much alive.

He looks down at the pale boy lying on the hospital bed and he remembers the first time he saw him several years ago. Back then his face had been rounder, his voice higher and his arms less impressive. And still the boy had caught Levi’s eyes and he hasn’t taken them off the boy ever since.

He looks down at the pale boy lying on the hospital bed and he remembers the day he made his world crash with just a few words. 

\--

My voice, a beacon in the night

My words will be your light

To carry you to me

\--

They must’ve made some sort of mistake, is the first clear thought he has. There is no way that Eren – _his_ Eren, this wonderful, joyful, passionate boy – can have cancer. There simply is no way. Eren is different than anyone else, Eren is sacred, Eren lives by different rules, different rules apply to Eren and so he can’t –

“Please say something,” Eren begs and reaches out to take Levi’s hands in his.

This snaps the older man back to the present and he finally looks at Eren. There is so much sadness in his green eyes and it’s almost suffocating to look into them. Levi almost wants to look away and he never has before – Eren’s eyes has always been his favorite part of the boy and suddenly it feels like he’s drowning when he looks into them, like their emotions are pulling him down under until he’s struggling, breaking, dying.

“What do you want me to say?” he asks.

Eren actually smirks – that bastard. “That it will be okay?”

“Will it?”

“Dammit, Levi, I don’t know but – “

His frustrated tone makes Levi move; he grabs the boy’s face and pulls him closer until their lips connect in a simple yet powerful kiss.

“Don’t…” Levi says and inhales sharply. “Don’t be sad, sadness doesn’t cure anything. Maybe it will be okay, no need to be sad before we know it won’t. I’ll fight if I have to.”

Eren’s smile is almost sadder than his eyes and god fucking dammit Levi wants to shout at the world for being so unfair. Nothing this beautiful should ever look so devastated.

“I don’t think this is a battle you can fight, though.”

“Don’t be stupid, brat, of course it is,” Levi says.

Eren chuckles and connects their lips in a quick kiss. Their foreheads touch and Levi closes his eyes, holding back tears he didn’t even realize were about to spill.

“Okay,” Eren breathes.

“Yeah,” Levi says and then they don’t say anything else because there is nothing left to say.

\--

They say that things just cannot grow

Beneath the winter snow

Or so I have been told

\--

Sometimes Levi wishes that Eren had been hit by a car or something. Sometimes he wishes Eren was already dead. And then he feels awful but it's the bitter truth and nothing can change that, not even Levi.

Because watching Eren slowly die is worse than anything else Levi has ever witnessed and he hasn’t lived an easy, boring life so that’s saying a lot. It’s like he’s a flower, Levi thinks, suffocating under several layers of heavy, horrible snow, forcing him to slowly give up.

“There’s still a change,” Petra tells him. “Not everyone who gets cancer dies, far from it actually.”

But even if that is the case it still doesn’t matter. Because the doctors look at Eren like he’s a lost cause, like it’s only a matter of time, like the world could end and it wouldn't affect Eren because he already has a death sentence hanging over his head.

“Not people with this type of cancer,” Levi only says and Petra really has no answer to that.

And so Levi is left to watch Eren slowly but surely wither away because yes, people survive cancer, lots of people come out on the other side, better and stronger, but not his Eren.

Not his beautiful, beautiful boy who’s only 22 and has an entire lifetime ahead of him.

Eren, who is too dramatic and enthusiastic and gets in too much trouble because of it.

Eren, who has a fierce need to protect everyone around him but acts like a suicidal bastard himself.

Eren, who doesn’t know how much he’s worth.

Eren, who still hasn’t realized that people depend on him.

Eren, who asked Levi if he wanted to dance even though the older male shot him a glare that could _kill._

Eren, who was brave enough to flirt with a man who most of all looked like a serial killer on the run.

Eren, who didn’t run away when he realized Levi was ten years older.

Eren, who gets jealous too easily and kiss with too much tongue and teeth.

Eren, who’s the only one who doesn’t flinch when Levi comes with an extra cruel comment that cuts through bones and flesh and stings, but simply rolls his eyes and tells him not to be so dramatic.

Eren, who’s the only one Levi will ever watch Disney movies with on a Sunday when he has a shit ton of work he should do instead.

Eren, whose virginity he took on a late Friday night.

Eren, who isn’t perfect but still amazing.

Eren, who acts like an annoying, spoiled brat at times.

Eren, _his_ Eren, who makes Levi’s world a better place and deserves to live.

Eren, who’s fast asleep on the bed. Levi leans down and presses a kiss to his forehead and then his nose and finally his knuckles before he leaves to get another cup of coffee. He isn’t going home tonight, not with this storm terrorizing the country but Levi doesn’t mind – he’d much prefer to be next to Eren anyway.

\--

They say we're buried far

Just like a distant star

I simply cannot hold

\--

“Sing a song for me,” Eren asks once he finally wakes up. He looks tired but happy and Levi almost tells him to get some more sleep but he knows his time with Eren is sparse these days so he lets his selfishness win and swallows the command.

He furrows his eyebrows and eyes his husband suspiciously. “Do you have a death wish?”

Eren laughs. “You have a nice voice, you can’t fool me.”

“Don’t push it, brat.”

“Please?” Eren begs and gives Levi his most innocent, begging look that’s slowly turning into a demanding pout.

Levi can’t say no.

He simply cannot deny this kid anything.

Eren could ask for the stars and Levi would go through fire and cross oceans to pick every single one from the night sky.

“Fine, but don’t blame me if your ears start bleeding.”

Eren snorts but he cannot hide the big grin plastered on his face and he beams, that stupid kid, and starts bouncing up and down.

Levi doesn’t try to hide his smile, because Eren deserves to see it.

Moments like these are becoming fewer and rare and Levi wants to hold onto every single one of them, to cherish and worship them forever.

Long after the stars he picked for Eren has stopped glowing, long after the moon has fallen from its place, long after…

“Sing something about winter,” Eren says and Levi catches his green eyes. They’re not as sad as they’d been that day, a few months ago, when he’d dropped the bomb, but there’s still something hidden inside of them, something that darkens their corners and makes them glassy and surreal. As if they hold some great burden that Levi cannot even begin to fathom.

“Winter?” Levi asks skeptically. “Why not something nice about, I don’t know, summer and sun – “

“No,” Eren interrupts and smiles tiredly. His energy is slowly seeping out of him and every word becomes a struggle. “Winter, please.”

Levi sighs. “You are a strange kid.”

“But I’m your strange kid,” Eren mumbles content.

Levi grimaces. “Don’t say that, it sounds like I’m your father.”

Eren doesn’t comment, just smirks and closes his eyes.

Levi is grateful he doesn’t have to see the emotions clouding them anymore.

Levi is sad he cannot see the most beautiful part of his boy anymore.

Levi is struggling but doesn’t show it.

“Fine. Give me a few minutes.”

He thinks, does he know any songs about winter that doesn’t involve Christmas?

He thinks long and hard but finally he remembers one.

He squeezes Eren’s hand to make sure he’s still awake and when the boy squeezes back Levi settles down on the chair next to the bed and sings.

\--

This is my winter song

December never felt so wrong

Cause you're not where you belong

Inside my arms

\--

He goes to work Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. Once every week he has lunch with Erwin. Once every week he drops by Petra’s, once every week he meets Hange to eat dinner and generally discuss the world. Once every other week he goes to one of those god awful events at his work so he can see for himself that everyone is, well, alive and well even if he isn’t there to watch over them. Twice every week Armin and Mikasa visits Eren at the hospital and once every week Levi joins them. He spends most of his time in Eren’s hospital room – so much it feels almost wrong to go home to his own apartment. Sometimes Eren orders him to go home and get some rest that isn’t a nap while sitting in a chair. But when Levi isn’t next to Eren he simply feels wrong.

He is irritable and annoyed and restless.

He prefers to sit in a lousy plastic chair as long as he gets to hold his young husband’s firm, warm hand.

Levi needs Eren in his arm or else everything feels wrong and –

He just needs him in his arms; it’s as simple as that.

\--

I still believe in summer days

The seasons always change

And life will find a way  


\--

Levi’s breath hitches and he physically freezes.

Eren takes his hand and holds it so tight Levi should be afraid his fingers might break but he isn’t.

“Could it work?” he hears his own voice ask but he doesn’t even remember moving his lips, let alone forming any audible words.

The doctor in front of him nods and says: “It could, we wouldn’t attempt it otherwise.”

“But,” Levi says because there’s always a _but._

“But,” the doctor sighs, “this kind of operation carries a lot of risks. The survival rates are 60 percent. The odds are in your favor but they still aren’t good, Eren.”

Levi turns and look at Eren but the boy isn’t looking at him, he has his eyes on the doctor in front of him. When Eren speaks, the words cut through Levi like a knife and he doesn’t know whether he should be terrified or relieved.

“I’ll do it.”

Levi wants to laugh, he wants to cry, he wants to scream and shout and dance and sob into Eren’s shoulder and _he’s struggling_ but he doesn’t show.

Mouth a thin line and his eyes dead he squeezes Eren’s hand so the boy turns and catches his eyes. And Levi physically cannot breathe so he just lens closer and kisses his husband.

“What are you doing?” Eren whispers against his lips.

“Fighting,” Levi answers without hesitating.

\--

I'll be your harvester of light

And send it out tonight

So we can start again  


\--

“Levi?”

“Yes?”

“Sing something.”

“You really are pushing your luck.”

“Shut up, I deserve it; it’s been a long day.”

Levi only hums in agreement because god is he right. He’s never heard the phrase ‘I love you’ or the phrases ‘you’ll be alright’ or ‘you’ll get through this’ from so many different people to one person in just one day. He’s never seen so many flowers and ‘good luck’ cards before and Levi clicks his tongue annoyed every time his eyes land on the fucking garden gathered in the corner of the room.

Levi never thought so many people could fit into one, seemingly small hospital room but today is just a day full of surprises.

He never thought he should see Jean shed a tear in front of Eren.

He never thought he should see Erwin turn away not to show the pain on his face.

He never thought he should see Mikasa tell Armin to pull himself together when the boy broke down after just two seconds and he never thought he’d see Armin nod, sit up straight and force a smile back on his face.

He never thought he should experience such strength as he has today and he never thought he should see Eren look so happy on a day that could possibly be his last one ever and Levi has never been prouder of him, his beautiful boy, than he is at this moment.

His beautiful, strong husband who deserves to live.

“What do you want me to sing?” Levi asks.

They’re alone, finally. It’s past midnight. At eight in the morning the doctors and nurses will come and take Eren away. Levi won’t get any sleep and neither will Eren. Eren has finally stopped smiling and has let the mask of strength he's worn all day falter and Levi is both happy and sad.

Eren turns to look at him and Levi meets his eyes and almost gasps because Eren’s eyes… they’re big, and gorgeous, mesmerizing, and there are no ghosts hidden in them anymore, no burdens to darken their edges, no memories to cloud them, they are clear and Levi thinks he’s never seen them look so stunningly beautiful as they do in that moment.

“The same song you sang last time,” Eren says.

“Okay,” Levi says because he can't do nothing else. Eren could’ve asked anything from him at that moment and Levi would’ve gladly done it.

Be it theft, murder, be it steeling the fucking sun and every planet, be it leaving, the two of them just getting up and walking through the hospitals front doors to never come back, he’d done that too.

Levi takes a deep breath, doesn’t look away from Eren’s eyes and starts singing.

“ _This is my winter song to you…_ ”


End file.
